HealthStory

The List

Approx Reading Time: 5 mins

Purpose: for reference

Interstingness level: 3/10

This post is meant to be repeatedly linked, so I am not constantly referring to this injury, that crash, that physical derailment, and so on. I can just link up the number! Injuries and “hiccups” have been a defining feature of my life, and I assume I’ll write a bit about it in the future. I have played harder than most people, and that has come with a price.

FYI, I’ll come back and fill in some details about how most of these happened, just so you realize that I am not reckless (in fact, I am wreckfull), I am not made of glass, and you should be filled with wonder at my capacity to continually exist. So, without further ado, here we go:

A) Confirmed Broken Bones

  1. Right calcaneus fracture
  2. Right calcaneus fracture again
  3. Left 1st proximal phalange and metatarsal (comminuted fracture at MTP Joint)
  4. Left cuboid, lateral cuneiform, base of 5th metatarsal
  5. Left femur
  6. Left 5th MTP joint
  7. Right 5th MTP joint
  8. Nose (not sure this one counts?)
  9. Three left ribs
  10. Left radius
  11. Left lunate
  12. Left scaphoid
  13. Right…wrist?
  14. Left collarbone
  15. Right collarbone
  16. Right thumb
  17. Right pointer finger
  18. Left middle finger

B) Unconfirmed Broken Bones

I am not necessarily proud of this, but I am of the “watch and wait” persuasion if I don’t know immediately that it’s broken. More than half of the confirmed fractures above were not confirmed quickly…they were typically only Xrayed days to weeks later when stuff wasn’t getting any better. Buuuuuut there are times when, even if you think it’s broken, if you know that it won’t be casted, set, or plated, you just choose to wait it out. Most of the crap in the following list falls under that heading:

  1. Broken fingers
  2. Broken toes
  3. Patella
  4. Collarbones
  5. Left distal fibula (from inversion)
  6. Left lateral process of the talus (snowboarders fracture)
  7. More broken ribs

C) Concussions

  1. Wakeboarding (approx 2002)
  2. Tennis
  3. Snowboarding (without a helmet, like a moron)
  4. Snowboarding again (table top gone wrong)
  5. Snowboarding aaaagain (don’t text and snowboard)
  6. A few “probablies”
    1. Hockey (various)
    2. Baseball (various)
    3. Snowboarding…again x2-3

D) Stitches (or shouldabeens)

  1. Face (from mid forehead to just below left eye – 10 stitches)
  2. Ribs (from broken ribs, approx 10 stitches in size, but chosen to tape because of area)
  3. Back of head (a couple times from various things, mostly as a child)
  4. Knee (from surgery after having my entire medial meniscus removed

E) Soft Tissue Injuries (in order of nuissanceness)

  1. Herniated disc and ridiculous radiculopathy, still trying to fix that one (3 years now)
  2. Mass contusion on left femur (leg dent to this day, 7 years later)
  3. Dislocated left shoulder in the gym
  4. Mid-left abdominal hernia  on the left
  5. Torn and surgically removed right medial meniscus with Grade 2 MCL Tear.
  6. Torn (and remains so) left hip labrum (option for surgery, chose to decline)
  7. Torn transverse ligament right shoulder
  8. Multiple whiplash injuries
  9. Mass contusion on my right side LB. Hit a tree stump, going rather slow, but have since had neuropathies in the area (almost a year now). Was black and blue in the butt crack and scrotum for 3-4 months. Yeah, great visual, I know. I actually thought I may have broken my pelvis, but didn’t, thank god.
  10. Separated my right SIJT (yes, you CAN do that). Tore most of the posterior ligaments from diving from full sprint into a horribly wrong landing while catching a football.
  11. Left shoulder subluxation in the gym
  12. Ripped through my right nostril by catching it on a tree branch while snowboarding (came with mild concussion)
  13. Left lunotriquetral ligament tear
  14. Separated both AC Joints a couple times, left most recently from a dang Waverider
  15. Multiple Inversion sprains, some with breaks

F) Near-Death Experiences

Each of these will eventually get it’s own story.

  1. The Canadian Snowbank incident
  2. The Moroccan Surfing Incident
  3. The South American Incident
  4. The current predicament

G) Other

  1. Motorcycle accident #1
    • Car in front of me decided he no longer needs and exhaust system, falls off in traffic, I manage to avoid the muffler, but not the ground (thrown, landed on right shoulder). Didn’t go to hospital.
  2. Motorcycle accident #2
    • I didn’t see the car in front of me hitting the breaks when he should have been speeding up to merge. I locked up the breaks last minute and slid into a shoulder check of the back of his truck. Didn’t go to hospital.
  3. Motorcycle accident #3
    • Taking a sharp curve to the left early in the year, hit sand (leftover from snowy season in NB), skidded out, sliding on left side about 15 feet, then pegs dug in and flung me about 20-30 feet from the bike into a ditch/lawn. Didn’t go to hospital.
  4. Dog Attack #1
    • Got too close to owner, the family’s German Shepard didn’t like it, latched onto my left arm and started shaking. Mostly just puncture wounds. Dog was then taken outside and shot on site…and I’ll have the emotional scars from THAT until I friggin die.

Interesting Tidbits:

  • I once did a full 720 in a silver 2003 Toyota Camry while going 120 KM/hr, then drove away glad that nothing “happened”.
  • I once lost both sets of eyebrows and eyelashes from taking a burning tree out of metal barrel.
  • I have had the unfortunate experience of inhaling a mass amount of tear gas.
  • I once accidentally drifted a 2015 Harley Davidson Road King about 30-40 feet through an intersection. It was a rental.
  • I have an extra bone in my neck (a posterior ponticle on the right side, if you’re interested)
  • I once lost all feeling in about 1/4 of my face and my entire tongue from a dentist needle gone astray. It’s been over a decade and I still can’t handle spicy foods or peppermint flavour without pains.
  • I have knocked out my front teeth on a swing, after doing a front flip and standing up, then the swing returned…to my face (in retrospect, it may have been concussion too).
  • I used to get great joy out of snowboarding off of the roof of our 2 story house when my parents weren’t around.
  • I have been in 2 fireworks fights. Yes, that’s a thing. Roman candles for the win!
  • I once got the “worst ever seen” hand-foot-mouth disease, which resulted in 75% of the skin on the bottom of my feet coming off.
  • I once had my cornea ripped by a rock lodged in a snowball.
  • I am blind as a bat. -6.5 gives you bragging rights in the contact lenses world.

And THIS is why I don’t drink. Can you IMAGINE the carnage!?!?

One thought on “The List

  1. You know, I think I have actually been involved in a fireworks fight or something quite similar! The stupid things that teenagers do for fun late on a Friday night in small town Saskatchewan…

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